When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You Might Also Like
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Friends that check up on you >
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.