When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.