judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My love language is hissing.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully