When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?