Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.