My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Spring cleaning checklist…