@stockejock: When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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@raydred: Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses. Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don't have to say, hashtag G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson
@samalmightysam: • You're born. • You grow up. • You believe in Santa. • You stop believing in Santa. • You look like Santa. • You are Santa. • You die.
@tjcirimele: *cat lays on my leg* *I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won't leave* *I move half an inch* *cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
@GoldenSpirals: I've had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months. I wonder when they're going to bring me in for questioning. I should move the bodies.