When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
when you don’t want to be too vague
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex