When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Time heals everything 🙂
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.