When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.