I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Tremendous stuff
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”