When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED