@alfageeek: When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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@BoogTweets: Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu… Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?
@CabetoMejia: From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
@deardilettante: Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
@kelkulus: Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we're pigs.