When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.