@i_Lean: When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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@qwertying: Wife: What would you do if I died? Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry? Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
@david8hughes: [first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
@QwertyJones3: FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I'm in town ME: No problem FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby? ME: No they're all wood