@i_Lean: When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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@david8hughes: "Was he better than me?" "Joe, don't." "I have a right to know!" "No, he wasn't better than you." [god appears] "Mary, what the hell?"
@radtoria: Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
@SarahB_D: If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
@peetiesays: Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.