When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.