When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You Might Also Like
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
selfie game
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.