@Aspersioncast: When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about the Bat Mobile.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Friend: I'm surprised to see you eating a salad. Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
@BonaFideIntent: Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were 'the one'? Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT
@daemonic3: "Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?" [googles but can't get wifi] Well son, that's when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666