@Aspersioncast: When a girl says, "I think we should talk," it's never about the Bat Mobile.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
@MichaelTrying: The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.