*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*