@aimeevc1970: When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."
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@ThisOneSayz: No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler.
@desijourno: When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife says I'm wasting my time on Twitter. She doesn't understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"