@aimeevc1970: When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."
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@Barack_and_Joe: When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.
@girlontapas: People without kids who give other people's kids messy or annoying toys.. Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
@MatCro: ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: What's ur emer- DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON DOG 911: So DOG: HE'S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG