When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.