How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you