Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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This is painfully accurate 😅
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
my sentiments exactly
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.