When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”