a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”