When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Awesome parenting 😂
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Ok but actually
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.