*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
who wants to go expliring
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
crochet youtube is brutal
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks