When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.