When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
what could possibly go wrong?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: