When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance