@ProblyDrinking: When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
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@rockymomax: [first date] -so how do you feel about octopus? Her: I like em -Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: did you get into my weed again? Wife *dipping a pop tart in ranch dressing* what?
@david8hughes: The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don't have garden hoses.