Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*