When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Quadruple digit IQ
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Breaking news:
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”