@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@Storminika: Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'
@BarryVonAwesome: The Hurricane came through here like a tornado -Lady on the News just now I don't want to live on this planet anymore