When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Thrilling chase underway
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.