@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?! Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
@timdonakowski: Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.