When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Guy who likes music
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.