When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
RT if you could go either way.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
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