@hot_coughy: When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.
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@dave_cactus: WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla? ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
@CDMEclairs: Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
@TedBundybitch: Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months