@hot_coughy: When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book. Friend: You're writing a book? Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.
@JordyHamrick: So what happens if I neglect to "safely" remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.
@Tmoney68: Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
@gwatts77: I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.