If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.