When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
#dalle2
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it