When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*