When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
me before I type out affect or effect
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
You’ll be OK
“i am a sweet baby”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.