When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.