When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.