my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
You Might Also Like
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.