@iheartgunts: When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her "Stop."
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@EndhooS: I invited Jim for dinner "Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* "I'll get the ladders"
@unravelingfire: People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"