When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat