@iheartgunts: When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her "Stop."
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@addmoreninjas: That's nice that you're a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@_blotty: [ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys
@kiel_phillips: ME: I would like a complaint form ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left ME: I would like two complaint forms