When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days