“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.