Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in