When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My birthstone is a sushi roll.