When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.