When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work