I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.