When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
calling in to work dehydrated
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…