My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad