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@mrtruthandsoul: When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa--
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
@kelkulus: When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
@Bandersnaaatch: "I'll never forget you!" I yelled to what's his name.
@novicefather: 3yo: make me oatmeal
me: *poof* you're oatmeal
me: *makes oatmeal
@farleftcoast: Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.