When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Banana is the quietest snack
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.