When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
🦝🔥🦝🔥
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?