When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn鈥檛 mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I鈥檝e got a whole cake in here.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn鈥檛 phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren鈥檛 pregnant.
Him: Doesn鈥檛 this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
o shit
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago