@TheTweetOfGod: When CNN says they're "breaking news" they are, in a sense, right.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheTimeIGotHigh: "I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces"
@juneohara65: Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
@RexHuppke: My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.
@DirtMcTurd: One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together