@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
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@jwoodham: All of my passwords are the names of various "Friends" characters. Except for Ross. I've never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
@AndrewNadeau0: Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
@Sarcasticsapien: I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don't know English when people wanna make small talk.
@ShipInTheKnight: Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town