People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.