@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
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@kellyoxford: "Please add your phone number to secure your acct." Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@mobydong: Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
@wife3kidsnodogs: How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?