When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
You Might Also Like
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If only
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Can Happiness buy money?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.